


Good Soldiers Follow Orders

by CollisionTheory



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Clone Trooper Inhibitor Chips (Star Wars), Crack, Humor, Mind Control, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28626714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CollisionTheory/pseuds/CollisionTheory
Summary: One-shots where Chancellor Palpatine abuses control of the inhibitor chips to mess with the Coruscant Guard and any other clones he can get his wrinkled hands on.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Good Soldiers Follow Orders

Palpatine sat hunched over his desk, chewing slowly as he scrolled down a page of the holonet on his datapad with one hand. The other hovered somewhere eastward his plate over his desk, fingers rubbing together to rid themselves of the crumbs from his crispy banthamilk-fried Naboo duck sandwich.

“Hmm…they’ve gone downhill,” observed Mas Amedda through a mouthful of something equally fried and greasy. He shifted in his chair, then casually brushed the crumbs from his robes onto the floor. 

Palpatine looked up from the datapad, pursing his lips as he looked from Amedda to the fast food.

“Not as good as they used to be, I know...” He nodded, then brushed his own crumbs from the table onto the carpet. “I can send Hawse out again to return it if you want, you can get something else.”

“Eh, I’m fine.” Amedda crumbled the silvery wrapper and attempted to toss it into the waste can, overshooting by a significant amount.

“Are you sure?” asked Palpatine, back to scrolling through his datapad, one eye on the Vice Chancellor.

“I said it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” He held up his palm up to the Chancellor, waving it a bit.

“No, no, it’s your call! It won’t be a problem, Mas. We’ll just say uh…” He searched around his office, waving his touch stylus around “…uh, that you found _a hair_ in it.”

“The place is Duros-run now, Sheev.” He looked at the Chancellor doubtfully, then gestured up and down at his own hairless head.

Palpatine threw his head to the side, raising a single finger and mouthing a silent “oh.”

“Right, right…that whole…” he narrowed his eyes and waved the stylus around in a circle.

“Change in management,” filled in Mas Amedda just as Palpatine said the same thing.

“And that’s why they haven’t been as good lately?” Amedda half-suggested, half-stated.

Palpatine leaned back in his chair, sticking his tongue in the pocket of his cheek while thinking.

“No….no they were fine for a bit after that. Must be a staff change? Or cheaping out on ingredients...”

The Vice Chancellor grinned stupidly and pulled his head back into his neck.

“Well, the price of the Serenno peppers they use _has_ skyrocketed since we orchestrated the war.”

“Whoooooops!” Palpatine threw up his hands as the two of them cackled, wiping tears from their eyes.

“No but seriously, I can have Hawse return your food, it’s fine. It’s not like he can complain,” said Palpatine once they’d calmed down a bit.

“Or even remember what happened.” Mas Amedda snorted, and Palpatine nearly choked on the drink he’d just brought up to his mouth.

“I- oh, actually, the hair excuse might not work. Didn’t Hawse shave his head recently?”

The Chagrian just shrugged and stared out the window like he couldn’t care less, which was true.

“Look, Sheev, I’m not even hungry anymore, it’s fine.”

“Okay, okay. But I’ll call him in anyway. Now I’m curious-” Palpatine dumped the rest of his food in the waste can, then leaned forward and held up his datapad to show Amedda the screen “- _aaannndd_ shift change starts soon.” He winked. 

Mas Amedda steepled his hands, looking expectant.

The Chancellor cleared his throat, then conjured up a sweet expression as he spoke into his office com.

“Trooper Hawse, come see me in my office.”

“ _Right away, Chancellor_ ,” came the voice of the 903,637th dice roll of Jango Fett’s personality, with a little something extra courtesy of Kaminoan scientists.

Palpatine shot a glance at Mas Amedda when the Coruscant Guardsman entered the room.

“You wanted to see me, sir?” asked Hawse. He seemed friendly, as far as you were able to discern something like that about a man trapped inside completely opaque armor.

“Execute order 4,” Palpatine enunciated.

“Awaiting your emergency orders, Lord Sidious.” The clone’s voice dropped half an octave, all trace of cheer gone.

“Take off your helmet” said Sheev, sounding bored as he selected something on his datapad.

Hawse did so.

“Huh, he did,” remarked the Vice Chancellor upon seeing the man’s shaved head.

Palpatine gave him a look as if to say “I thought you didn’t care.”

Amedda rolled his eyes, then spoke.

“How long do you think it’ll take him to pick up all the crumbs this time?”

Palpatine scratched the tip of his nose while Hawse stood stock still, staring at the man.

“Oh we don’t have time for that with the shift change, we’ll have someone else do it. Sergeant Flood, maybe? Ivans?”

Mas Amedda shrugged.

“Sure, Ivans.”

“Ah no, no Ivans is in bacta after that _horrific_ incident on level 812. Commander Thorn told me one day, just out of the blue. I think he’s lonely.”

“No Sheev, you asked him, remember?” Palpatine looked at him quizzically. “When we forgot what order 25 did, that time with the off-brand spice?”

The Chancellor shuddered.

“Yes…right…..” he said, drawing out the words slowly and with distaste. “But anyway! Trooper Hawse, when you leave this office and go back to your post down the hall, open this holo frequency station to play through your helmet speakers at maximum volume, using the ones so that everyone can hear you.”

He pushed his datapad to the edge of the desk. Hawse picked it up and made a few selections, then put it down again.

“Of course, my lord,” he said before turning to leave.

Mas Amedda and Chancellor Palpatine stared at each other with restrained glee as they counted down the minutes to the shift change on the datapad. Then the chrono hit its mark exactly on the hour, and Palpatine sent out a tendril of the dark side of the Force to shut off the inhibitor chip in the clone down the hall at the correct moment.

Right on cue, the voice of the hottest Togrutan vocalist this side of the Mid Rim soared and pulsed down the hallway, flowing into the Chancellor’s office as the two politicians began grinning.

“ ** _I’m gonna take care of your body, I’ll be gentle, don’t ya scream, it’s getting hotter, make it softer-_** “

The song was then cut off abruptly as Sergeant Flood arrived for the shift change, instantly becoming a bundle of barely coherent apoplectic rage that shot off like an ion cannon at the mortified Trooper Hawse.

Chancellor Palpatine and Mas Amedda collapsed into fits of silent laughter, wiping away tears of joy for the second time that day.


End file.
